I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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