just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
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