I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
