my phone needs a breathalizer
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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