I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
a search helicopter?!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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