Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
