guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
