can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
