Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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