i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
