There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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