the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
