Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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