you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
