So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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