I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
