Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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