My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize