Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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