Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
