I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you had me at cake vodka
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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