Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
