Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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