he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
All the doctor said was why
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize