No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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