Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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