there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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