My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
