Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
