Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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