It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
