We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
