I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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