I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pants are for mortals
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
