i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My pussy is not your playground.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize