I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
