Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
