i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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