I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
