On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
