Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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