Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
