I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
