I skipped work to stalk him.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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