the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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