Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
