what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
