My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
