Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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