I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
