I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
