apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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