I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
