woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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