and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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