Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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