So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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