Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize