I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
