My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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