She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
