I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
